his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
