My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
