Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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