Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
