I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
