Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
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I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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