and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
