Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
