Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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