The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
