I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
