My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
