I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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