My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
