splinters make it hard to masturbate
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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