come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
