I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
