did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
