shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
