good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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