Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
