I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
