i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
