Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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