Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
