There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
