I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
