hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
