I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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