So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
