I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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