my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
