I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i dont even know how to be here
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
