why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
