is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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