Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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