I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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