I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
