I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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