You're completely useless in the revolution.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
