i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
