just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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