i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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