There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
