Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
