Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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