I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
