Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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