on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
be right there i have to get my cape
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
