I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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