I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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