I seem to have left my pride at pride
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
