i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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