dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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