I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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