I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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