you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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