I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
