My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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